The problem-idea framework: getting kids to listen when they don't want to
We’ve all been there. We’ve run a bunch of errands with a toddler in tow, and she’s exhausted. She barely has enough energy to get out of the car, let alone walk up the 20 or so stairs to get up to our apartment.
“I want you to carry me!” she cries out while we’re both at the bottom of the stairs. I’m also tired and my back hurts a bit. I could carry her, but I’d rather not. My usual tactic is sadly to resort to threats. “I’m going to walk up the stairs. You can stay here until you have the energy to walk up the stairs yourself.”
But, I know that’s the not the type of dad I want to be. I want to be better. And that’s when I remember a framework which I learned from How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, a book (or audio book) that I highly recommend. I’ve dubbed it the problem-idea framework.
It’s pretty simple, actually, but hard to remember during those trying times. Start with “The problem is…” and then engage your child’s imagination for solutions.
I begin, “The problem is that my back hurts and I can’t carry you. Do you have any ideas?”
She seems unamused, and I realize I need to provide more guidance.
“What if you fly to the top?”, I say.
I see her face light up. “I can’t fly!”, she responds somewhat cheerfully.
“What if you swim?”, I try.
“There’s no water, but what if I walk up the balance beam!”
I now realize I’ve got her engaged, but we still need to cross the finish line. “Hm, that’s good, but I don’t see the balance beam. Do you have any other ideas?”
She suggests, “I could skip over stairs and then I wouldn’t walk as much.”
“That’s a great idea!”
And off she goes holding on to the hand rail as she skips over steps—which actually looks harder than just walking up the stairs but so it goes—and she makes it to the top in a very happy mood, quite different from where we started.
Yes, that’s a little win, but I’ll take it.